I Hope The Worst Isn't Over

The Worst Episode #12

2011-06-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

In this week's episode of The Worst, Mick Betancourt joins Danielle Stewart and I to discuss the fight outside the Casey Anthony trial, the most expensive public urination ever, a bank robber who did it for the health insurance, and more.

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The Worst Episode #11

2011-06-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

In this week’s episode of The Worst, Danielle Stewart, Sean Green and I discuss the magnetic boy, a mom who tried to sell her daughter’s virginity to a guy named Don, and much more.

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The Worst Episode #10

2011-06-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Comedians Heather Thomson and Cornell Reid sit in with me this week. They’re covering the top stories of the week, including a guy with a face transplant, McDonald’s undergoing a makeover, and a guy who stole cheese from a convenient store.

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The Worst Episode #9

2011-06-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

Jayson Thibault joins Danielle and me this week to talk about a culmination of stories from around the web that will pique your interest and possibly make you laugh. There’s a she/he thing in a restaurant who is pissed about a hate crime, a comedian who was sued for being homophobic, and the world’s dumbest gang member ever. Enjoy.

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Women & Men & Women

2011-04-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Watch the short film I'm in - well, promo for the short, but if you click here and donate a little money to help these guys out, soon you'll be able to check out the real thing. To find out more, check out the cast and crew. Thanks!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

Just found this gem of my Dad and me on Easter morning '87 or '88. My style really hasn't changed much since.

Horny Reporter

2011-04-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

I almost got kidnapped making this video so the least you could do is watch it.

The Worst Episode #8

2011-04-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

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The Worst Episode #7

2011-04-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

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The Worst Episode #6

2011-03-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

In this episode of The Worst Shannon Hatch, Danielle Stewart, and Mark Ellis discuss the woman who went ape shit over a Whopper Jr, the fattest toddler ever, and more.

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The Worst Episode #5

2011-03-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

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In this episode of The Worst, Danielle Stewart, Nick Rutherford, and I discuss why an overpriced Beefy Crunchy Burrito lead to a SWAT standoff in Texas and the woman who stored a pharmacy’s worth of drugs and money in her snatch.

Cheezitslut: The Sequence

2011-03-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

The Worst Episode #4

2011-03-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

In this episode of The Worst, Danielle Stewart, Jayson Thibault and I cover topics including an elderly woman's take on anal sex and the bachelor party your professor at Northwestern threw you.

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The Worst Episode #3

2011-03-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

Shannon Hatch and Danielle Stewart sit down and deconstruct the week's news in a funny and interested way, per the usual. They’re joined by comedian Marianne Sierk. This week, Charlie Sheen tops the conversation, as well as the Oscars, drunk members of society, and a new twist on pedophile pornography. Strap in.

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The Worst Episode #2

2011-02-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

In this episode of The Worst, Jon Huck and Cornell Reid join me to discuss why it would totally suck to wrestle a girl, and how menstruation wouldn't be so bad if there were fewer bear attacks.

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The Worst Episode #1 (Round 2)

2011-02-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

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The Worst Episode #14

2011-02-02T14:16:00.001-08:00

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The Worst Episode #13

2011-02-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

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2011-01-24T10:47:00.001-08:00

My Brother Got Me Ceramic Knives For Christmas

2011-01-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

so I just posted this on his Facebook wall...

It's not my finger, thank Christ. Honestly, I think it hurt me more to view the google image results of "cut finger" than it would to have actually cut my finger. I'd feel less sick to my stomach had I googled "staph infections" or "Tara Reid."

The Worst Episode #12

2011-01-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

The Worst Episode #11

2011-01-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

My webcast has a new web address now - talkmedianetworks.com. From there you can watch live or catch up on old ones you've missed. Here is today's ep.

The Worst Episode #10 - Holiday Show

2010-12-21T18:07:00.001-08:00

2010-12-02T12:52:00.001-08:00

Now There's Two of Us Who Don't Pass on Grass

2010-11-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry to get your hopes up. This is just an AIDS campaign ad.

2010-11-29T11:47:00.001-08:00

2010-11-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

This is probably the best line up I've ever been included in. So by the chance that you live in LA, don't mess up and not come to this.

2010-11-27T11:53:00.000-08:00

The Philly Cheesesteak Nachos at the Philadelphia Airport almost make up for the customer service ladies who I think were on about six periods between the three of them today. I self-checked in at US Airways and only one of my two boarding passes printed, so I needed help. Stood there for about 10 minutes waiting for 3 lovely ladies - I’ll call them “SWV” - to make eye contact with me. When I realized they weren’t going to, I said “Excuse me?” Their eyes slowly rolled toward me, and in unison they said, “We ain’t on the clock.” Then perhaps instead of standing behind the ticket counter like you’re dressed to tag the fuck out of some suitcases, you should make your way upstairs to Jet Rock Bar and Grill, where they serve “Dirty Shirleys” and Philly Cheesesteak Nachos that taste so good they make having diarrhea a mile above this shitty earth totally worth it.

They Call Me Shannon Hatch

2010-11-24T13:15:00.000-08:00

2010-11-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

The Worst was cancelled again this week because comedy.com hasn't quite set up the new studio. We'll be back next Tuesday, but for now chomp on this short, disgusting clip from a few weeks back.

My Dad Just Sent Me This Email

2010-11-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

Hand Games

2010-11-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Written by Jim Hamilton and myself (while drinking)

Hand Games - watch more funny videos

The Worst Episode# 7

2010-10-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

And now for a very important message...

2010-10-25T10:23:00.001-07:00

2010-10-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

The Worst Episode# 5

2010-10-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Following Post Is Brought to You by Goodwill

2010-10-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

And in this case, some braces wouldn't hurt. Underbite city!

2010-10-11T13:14:00.001-07:00

2010-10-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

That's fine. All most guys need is 3 minutes anyway.

2010-10-04T12:46:00.000-07:00

If you live in LA, you should come to this:

2010-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Wildride Robert Roy called my ice tray bluff. And he looked damn good doing it.

2010-09-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

The Worst Episode# 3

2010-09-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Watch my radio show, guys! We count down the 10 worst pop culture stories of the week. And this week one of my guests was "a little baked." In fact, until we made it to the second to last story of the show, he didn't know that we were counting down stories at all. Nice effort, Jon Huck.

For past & future eps, go here and click episodes.

Right now my apartment is 105 more degrees than anyone is separated from Kevin Bacon.

2010-09-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

If you're a total asshole, that means it's 111 degrees today.

Sick Kitty

2010-09-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up not feeling so hot because, well, it’s Wednesday. I start most days slightly dehydrated so I can give other people an edge. In my groggy, hungover state I saw my cat looking at me like, “I’ve been there, girlfriend.” (I adopted my cat from an urban rescue place, so she says “girlfriend” a lot.) And I was thinking, “No you haven’t. You’re a cat.”

And just then her body began convulsing. My mind raced. Hairball? Vomit? Hairball? Vomit? Please don’t get anything on my new J Brand –

Boy, did she let it all out. I don’t know if you’ve ever smelled cat vomit before, but I’m sure you’ve smelled cat food. So just imagine what cat food smells like partially digested. I turn on the bedroom lights and try to clean it up before the scent wakes up my boyfriend, Sleeping Beauty. Armed with a wad of paper towels and my own upset stomach, I scoop up the first lump of warm mass and start gagging. I think it was more the soft yet chunky consistency than the odor itself that got me. I ran to the bathroom to vomit in the tub because toilets make me want to throw up.

As I’m dry heaving, Sleeping Beauty says, “Turn off the fucking lights. I’m trying to sleep.”

Aren’t. We. All.

2010-08-13T13:17:00.001-07:00

2010-07-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

2010-07-21T12:29:00.001-07:00

I'm out running errands. Be back in a bit!

2010-07-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

2010-07-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

Am I right or am I right?

You're Damn Right We Look This Good After Eating Pastrami Sandwiches and Chili Cheese Fries

2010-07-05T12:52:00.000-07:00

Clockwise from bottom left: Karl Hess. Shannon Hatch. Ron Babcock. Mike Burns. Mike Holmes. Kyle Kinane. Emily Maya Mills. John Vargas.

Meat Club!

Just Askin'

2010-07-01T15:34:00.001-07:00

Now It All Makes Sense

2010-07-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

Although, by senior year Ferris might have been a little old for his taste.

It's not gay if I eat my own pecs, right?

2010-06-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Every time I glance at a photo of The Situation quickly, I think he’s a toned Asian girl begging for beads.

I feel very strongly that if someone were to lick the icing off his shorts, it would expose the smallest cake boner you and I have ever seen.

I guarantee 4 months from now we’re going to watch a cake show where a gay “cake artist” breaks down into tears because he can’t get the shading of these abs to look right.

2010-06-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

#765987983 Why I'm Never Getting Married

2010-06-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

This was Michael's go-to line to chat with me on Facebook.

2010-06-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

Way to break the ice, stranger I've never met. Have fun at the prom.

Orangina Commercial Banned For Being Too Gay

2010-06-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

This French commercial for Orangina was just banned from television because it features a gay cougar. (No, not a lesbian Real Housewife. You see, years ago, before Courtney Cox decided to sell her soul to ABC because her Friends residuals weren’t cuttin’ the mustard, there was an animal in the feline family called a “cougar.”)

Everyone is offended by this commercial - not because a cougar is using Sunkist as aftershave - but because the cougar is gay. Really? Are we going to take away the fundamental rights of cartoon felines now too? Don’t even front like Tony the Tiger never experimented in college.

This does give validity to the age-old argument that if we let gays get married, next they’ll be allowing people to marry their pets. Or at least stroke their pets’ faces slowly in the bathroom before work while they have a mean boner.

My friend offered me a piece of pizza, but I'm in the mood for meat, veggies, & tzatziki sauce, all wrapped up in a pita. Guess you could say I'm...

2010-06-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

And Don't Even Get Me Started On My Orthodontic Bills...

2010-06-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already heard about this new rape sensation sweeping our nation, watch this.

2010-06-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

This weeek I'm guest blogging for Comedy.com. Check out my first blog about TLC's newest show, Extreme Poodles. You MUST watch the video.

Concealer, Bra's, & Things To Do. That's Some Tuesday Shit.

2010-06-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently Someone's Been Dipping Flaming Hot Cheetos Puffs Into The Country Crock

2010-05-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

Please, God, let this not have been me in a moment of drunken weakness.

Yet Another Quadriplegic Who's Happier Than Me

2010-05-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

The video Nick Vujicic’s selling is called, “No Arms, No Legs, No Worries!” It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Murderball” but the message seems a bit less painful.

Seriously, how is this quadriplegic better than me at putt putt? I was scared to tell a new joke on stage last night and this guy’s jumping off the high dive without arms, legs, or apparently, worries.

So for 5 minutes today let’s cut out the bitter, “I deserve what so-and-so has” and be truly thankful for what we do have. And once that 5 minutes is up, we can go back to being pissed that some dude without arms or legs is more famous than us just for thinking positively and participating in water sports. What an optimistic dick.

Breaking News! Justin Bieber "German" Interview Crisis All Cleared Up

2010-05-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Turns out Biebs thought the New Zealand interviewer was saying “Jewman.” Which gives me a great idea for the worst superhero movie ever.

This Is The Best Internet Security Question I Have Ever Seen

2010-05-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

If it's hard to view, the question reads: What is the name of your least favorite relative? I wonder how many people just straight up typed, “Dad.”

What’s your mom’s maiden name? can take a hike. What street did you grow up on? is for pussies. I want a security question designed for kids with broken families and/or creepy uncles. A question that, years later, when it’s posed and I have to think of my response to gain access to my account, is going to trigger a Thanksgiving memory I won’t soon forget.

(For the record, I picked a loud aunt.)

2010-04-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

Check out my blog about Christian Rap's latest sensation, Tamara Lowe.

Rachel Ray Had To Do a Cooking Segment After This

2010-04-21T11:47:00.001-07:00

I Bet This Chick Has a Busted Face

2010-04-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

I just started to write for the site Actually Funny. Check out my latest blog about the Phillies fan who intentionally vomited on a child, entitled I'd Rather Get Hit With a Foul Ball.

Dumpster Girl

2010-04-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my trash out at the same time as the acoustic guitar player who lives in my apartment building. He covers John Mayer every day around noon if you guys want to stop by and tell him to shut up through his window.

It was my dream that he’d be enamored with me and return to his apartment, lyricizing about a beautiful woman with bedhead, ripped leggings, and lots of empty carbohydrate boxes. I imagine he’d title it, “Who knew Cheez-its could do a body so good?” and make it kinda blues-y.

Well, the next best thing happened. Someone else wrote a song about seeing me at the dumpster and posted it in the youtubez.

Do yourselves a favor and NEVER google image search "Dumpster Girl" with the safe search off. Still vomiting.

My Hair Has a Mind of Its Own When I'm Sleeping

2010-04-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Every time I wake up I look like a more masculine version of Nikki Six.

I’m going to name this particular hairstyle The “Isn’t-Gonna-Stop-Me-From-Going-Directly-To-The-Weed-Store-Anyway.”

Weekend at Bernie's: The Reality show

2010-04-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

Two old British ladies brought a dead guy to the airport in an attempt to smuggle him back to Germany without paying all those pesky dead body transport fees. They put him in a wheelchair and slapped sunglasses, a fake moustache, and a Hawaiian shirt on him. (I’m just guessing about the moustache and Hawaiian shirt.) They managed to fool a taxi driver on the ride there, but airport security found it odd when he was unresponsive during his anal exam. (Again, I’m guessing.)

What did they think would happen if they got him onto the plane? I mean, I avoid eye contact and small talk on planes like anyone else who hates humanity, but god damn if I wouldn’t notice if the dude next to me was dead. At some point I’d see how peaceful he looked and probably try to bum an Ambien.

I like to think these bitches watched Weekend at Bernie’s and Weekend at Bernie’s II (what was the premise for the 2nd one again?) to prepare. And in my mind, right before they took him to the airport, they all went water skiing.

Creepy Facebook Message #1

2010-04-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

I’m half-offended this weirdo thinks it’s “strange” that he finds me attractive.

I’ve decided to start taking screen shots of the creepy facebook messages I get from stangers. So keep them coming.

For the record, I didn’t hit the reply button because I’m not a real badass. I just play one on the internet.

Right Foot Forward

2010-03-31T16:59:00.000-07:00

For those of you following the shitstorm taking place in my life, you should know it hailed diarrhea on me yesterday. I’d been eyeing this pair of Palladium boots for months and finally committed to my first purchase on Amazon in a moment of weakness.

A day later a mysterious $464 Long Island Railroad charge appeared on my debit card, making them the most expensive pair of boots I’ve ever owned. Thanks, shady Amazon seller. After I cancel my debit card, I hope your train crashes.

Regardless, I’ve been looking forward to the boots, as if they were going to solve all my problems. The package arrived yesterday, and I happily signed the etch-a-sketch my UPS guy carried with him. I couldn’t get into the box fast enough! It felt like Christmas, except instead of my parents buying me boots, the government did. (Did I mention I’m unemployed?)

I dumped the peanuts from the box all over my kitchen floor and laid eyes on my new favorite boots. The first thing I noticed was that one looked a little bigger than the other – no matter, so are breasts and they still manage to fit into a bra, right? That’s when I detected the more significant problem. They were both for left feet. Two left-footed boots, two different sizes, one girl standing in her kitchen speechless.

I went through every stage of grief in the hours that followed. At first, there was denial. I stared at them for 10 minutes like I was trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube. Was I high(er than I thought)? I looked away and looked back, looked away, looked back, expecting to see a right boot if I strained my eyes enough.

Then came the guilt. I remembered several of my past regrettable e-bay purchases, all of which took place because I didn’t read the descriptions quite close enough. (I spent $50 on a tester bottle of perfume once – but the image size was HUGE!) Perhaps I’d failed to see an asterisk next to the boots? I returned to the website thinking I might find, “*Both boots are lefts” at the bottom of the page. Then I remembered that no one in the world has two left feet*.

Next came anger. I thought, “Fuck you, Amazon! I’m wearing them tonight anyway.” I put them on and resembled something of an accidental clown. I laughed at myself and managed to move onto that acceptance and hope stage of grief. What a bunch of overrated bullshit that stage is. So I went back to the anger stage, logged onto Amazon, and ordered another pair of fuckin’ boots.

*Even terrible dancers have a right foot.

Chicks Having Orgasms (I'll believe it when I feel it)

2010-03-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in this video comprised of ladies' orgasms. I think it would be more realistic if half of us just didn't cum at all, but it'd probably make for a pretty boring video.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2010-03-17T06:43:00.001-07:00

I can’t decide whether I want to shove dollars down his pants or co-host The Grind with him.

I wonder what terrible tattoo the shamrock armband is hiding.

I wish I could’ve been there when he got the bad news on his “Days of Our Lives” audition and needed rent money this bad.

Kids, always remember, when you give up on your dreams, you’re not alone. There are plenty of Halloween costume models who thought they were going to make it one day too. (At this point, I’d consider “making it” getting to model a cop outfit.)

Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Vagina (seriously)

2010-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Megan Mariah (I can see the similarities already) Barnes crashed her car while attempting to shave her pubic hair behind the wheel. She told officers she was “meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”

And you thought your car was dirty.

I applaud this woman. Anyone who’s confident enough to maneuver a pink lady Bic down there sans shaving cream while multitasking is my kinda lady. I usually get a handheld mirror out and pray for no earthquakes.

The razor burn’s probably not going to be a big hit in jail. Not to mention, she crashed into another car while a razor blade was inches away from her clitoris. Mugshot, shmugshot - I want to see the nether region damages! (No, I don’t.)

Megan’s tombstone should say: Bad driver. Great girlfriend.

Naomi is innocent, guys.

2010-03-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

The driver Naomi Campbell punched in the face the other day is dropping all charges against her. The dude’s lawyer issued a statement saying his client “overreacted.” There’s no way this incident didn’t happen. The bottom of Naomi’s Wikipedia page reads like the last season of Dexter.

I’ll sum up her Wiki page for you. “Several stitches” are involved in most of the cases against her, and there’s mention of blood spatter when some bitch showed up to a hotel with the same dress she was wearing. That, of course, isn’t even including the housekeepers (yes, plural) she’s maimed with her bejeweled cell phone.

Does anyone else think Governor Paterson had something to do with the charges being dropped? I was hoping Naomi’s Wiki page would tell me she was Paterson’s aide in the “Early Life” section, or I’d find out that Paterson’s eye injury was due an ill-timed piece of plastic ricocheting off Naomi’s assistant’s skull into his retina, but no luck.

I never get tired of topless Lindsay Lohan photos.

2010-03-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping she's shows us some of her famous sideboob inside.

USA! USA!

Headaches are a god damn headache

2010-02-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

I would pay top dollar for a giant plastic pill with the word “PAIN” etched into it. It would be perfect for my apartment, both aesthetically and metaphorically. It’s inarguably the best prop from any music video since the giant plastic butts Sir Mix-A-Lot stands on in “Baby Got Back.” (Yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot came first. I was shocked too.)

Meet Doug

2010-02-22T13:40:00.001-08:00

I logged into myspace today to make sure it still sucked and I had a friend request from Doug. The message sent with the request read, “You’re the hottest Asian/Black/Latino I’ve seen (and that’s saying something)! Do you ever make it down to S. D. ?”

I applaud this message for many reasons.

1) Doug sends his copied and pasted message to every Asian/Black/Latino profile he comes across, without taking the time to delete the races that clearly don’t apply. Efficient! He’s got shit to do.

2) I’m white as shit, and that didn’t factor in. Maybe he could tell from my headshots that I have a giant ass.

3) “(and that’s saying something!)” Is he insinuating that he’s some kind of professional when it comes to ogling Asian/Black/Latino women? I’m enticed!

4) Why can’t he just group white chicks in with the other races? Does he think white chicks are hotter and, therefore, in a league of their own? I bet he listens to John Mayer.

Honey, should we watch the Olympics or some soft core? Why not both?

2010-01-21T15:04:00.000-08:00

The scariest part about this video is that I'm pretty sure her pants split because I really wanted her pants to split. Like, I caused it somehow. And I owe her, her family, and every friend she told, "Don't miss it! It's live at 8pm and you should DVR it," well, I owe them all one big, fat, crack of an apology.

I don't know about you guys, but if I was a young, up and coming female bobsleigher with the hopes of one day being in the Olympics, I'd take one look at this video and switch to luge.

I'd like to imagine that the moment before it happened, her dad leaned over to her mom and with a tear in his eye said, "That's my girl."

And why hasn't anyone added a phony fart sound effect to this video yet? Get on it. It'll sound hilarious in slow-mo.

Hey, Is That 3 Condoms in Your Pocket or Are You Just Really Into Freaky Balloon Animals?

2010-01-12T15:19:00.000-08:00

According to this, a woman carrying 3 or more condoms in Washington D.C. can be arrested for prostitution.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally for this new legislation!

Be honest, ladies, when’s the last time you had 3 condoms in your wallet? 3 condoms! That means you’d have to foresee not 1, not 2, but 3 possibilities of sex you can’t imagine turning down before you can make it home, of course, to stock up on more condoms, you slut.

I can’t think of an occasion when I’ve carried more than 3 tampons in my purse, and trust me, I’m a bleeder. Why would a lady need 3 condoms? The only time I had even one condom in my wallet was when I was a 14-year-old boy trying to impress my friends. (It worked.)

99 times out of a hundred you’re going to have sex at home, so keep your condoms in your nightstand like a human being. Totin’ 3 condoms around like you’re some kinda animal leads me to believe you ‘re either into sex on the go (weird), you like to have the safest sex possible (weirder), or you’re a prostitute (not weird).

Let’s face facts – it’s hard for police to spot prostitutes these days. Plenty of respectable ladies wear fishnet stockings with the vagina parts cut out with fake eyelashes to highlight (his or) her black eyes and lean into passenger windows to ask what you're into. Now that officers can enforce the 3-condoms or you’re out rule, they can weed out the school teachers from the street walkers.

Not to mention, who uses condoms anyway (besides, hopefully, prostitutes)?

Hey, Hey, You, You, I Don't Like My Husband!

2009-09-17T11:11:00.001-07:00

Form a line, dudes who never grew out of chain wallets and mass produced AFI hoodies. Avril Lavigne is single again! You know there’s gotta be some pussy out there who wants swap eyeliner and genital fluids with this bitch so that his Dad won’t find out he’s gay. Newsflash: Your dad knows your gay. And, nice pants. I can see your camel toe.

Don’t get me wrong – we’ve all made some terrible fashion mistakes in our time. But it’s been 10 years and Avril is still wearing the same socks. Avril, you’re almost 30. Maybe it’s time to wear socks that don’t make you look like The Hamburgler's slutty sister.

This One Goes Out to You, Uncle Joey

2009-09-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

I love me some scorned white women music. And I’d be hard pressed to think of a better song than, “You Oughta Know” or a more appropriate bitch to cover it than Britney. Sista represented in Greensboro, NC last night.

Two of my favorite things, together at last! Like dipping Wendy’s fries in a frosty. You wouldn’t think to combine the two at first, but once you do it becomes sinful that Wendy’s doesn’t offer frosty packets in lieu of ketchup. Britney knows what I’m talkin’ about. She probably asks for the melted cheese on the side too. (It’s an extra 50 cents and if the cashier doesn’t know which button to hit, you can tell him “miscellaneous food.” Don’t judge me.)

All I know is that if there is a God, Dave Coulier can feel Alanis scratching her nails down someone else’s back right now.

John Mayer's Pigment Issues Are Getting Me Off

2009-08-27T14:45:00.001-07:00

Either someone dug up an old mugshot of John Mayer busted for speeding (NO!!! SPEEDING?!?) or one of the Growing Up Gotti boys is trying to seduce the shit out of me. Oh no, it’s totally working. I never knew how attracted I was to sunspots before. His forehead is so splotchy this could be an ad for sunscreen. But like the Coppertone Sport manly kind.

Is it just me or do you feel like Mayer’s going to ask you out for a cup of coffee and arrange a threesome with the barista? This photo’s got a real Wanna-Hear-The-Poem-I-Wrote-And-Finger-Each-Other-After-It vibe. Again, I’m into it. And yes, I do want to hear your poem. I’ll give you my interpretation of it after we do facial peels.

The Kardashian I Will Not Be Keeping Up With

2009-08-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Kourtney Kardashian forgot to take her birth control and got pregnant. That’s not a premise for an upcoming episode of her reality show; that’s her life. You know Khloe is so excited she might not be "the fat one" next season.

Which producer on Keeping Up With the Kuntashians suggested this storyline? Sure, I’ll tune in for Kourtney's mood swings and cravings for ~~pickles and ice cream~~ attention, but you can’t write a baby off a reality show! She better have some Mary-Kate/Ashley talent crawl out of her Virginia Slim if she doesn't want late night re-shoots compliments of her dumb kid screwing up his lines.

This time cry like you’re not really a millionaire. C'mon, just think about that time your mom's nude photo almost leaked before her Maxim spread came out. That's sad, right?

The biggest problem I have with this story is that Kourtney admits that her fetus is an accident – like it’s no big deal she forgot to take her pill. Like she forgot to set her DVR. (Except she probably never forgets to do that.) If you can’t remember to take a pill once a day to prevent another living human from feasting on your insides, you’re going to be one hell of a responsible mother.

Kourtney finally released the identity of the father.

Drum roll, please....

It’s Shorty! The homeless guy the sisters took care of until he didn’t go with their outfits anymore. Congrats to the new couple.

Enterprise Rent-a-Lemon Round 2

2009-08-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

I got my car back today. The civic was in the body shop (not that kind of body shop) after getting blasted from behind (yes, that kind of blasted) by a woman with 13 consonants in her name. In a row. I could probably find her name scribbled on a super important piece of scratch paper that I threw somewhere, but right now I can only remember there are 3 x’s in it and you wouldn’t believe me if I posted it anyway. Yes, she was Asian and yes, I do have enough pride not to make a joke about her driving.

But seriously, women drivers! C’mon, ladies. If you’re not going to watch the road, get back in the kitchen and make some meatloaf. Or in this case, orange chicken. Whatever you’re good at, really. Just don’t try to get fancy with risotto and F it up is all I’m sayin’. That was a disgrace to Italy, Jeffrey! (It's a Next Food Star thing, you wouldn't understand.)

I should mention that I took back the busted car Enterprise rented me last week to tell my favorite employee that the check engine light, check tire pressure alarm, service airbag alarm, and some light that I think was trying to warn me that I could be struck by a lightning bolt at any given moment – well, all of those were on and making dinging noises. When I told the Enterprise sales guy all he said was, “Don’t worry, you won’t be charged for that,” in between bites of his five-dollar foot long. He could not replace my rental for a more functional one, as Enterprise didn’t have any cars. He mumbled something about a car draught and I left.

I finally returned my excuse for a car to Enterprise this morning, so it was a joy to see all the old friends I’d made last week down at the office. They charged everything to Orange Chicken’s insurance company, which was nice, but I was taken aback when the associate asked me to rate my experience with them.

“Were you completely satisfied?” she asked.

“Absolutely,” I said, because I'm a pussy.

“You’re going to get a call asking you to rate our service, and we only pass if you say you were completely satisfied.”

Pass what? Is this some kind of test Enterprise office that I could shut down if I complain? I doubt it. I’m willing to bet the douchebag who calls me later for my service rating works for Enterprise, so by default he will suck too. I’d imagine it will go something like this…

“Oh, you were unsatisfied? That’s cool. So let me get this straight – the car it took you four hours to rent had mud on the seats and a flat tire? Bummer. Next time try Avis. So, seriously, from 1-5 how would you rate your Enterprise experience?”

“I’d probably give it a 3, I guess.” (Remember, I'm a pussy so giving them a 3 is really giving it to 'em good.)

On my way out the door, a sales associate was arguing with (can you believe it?) another unsatisfied customer over the phone. “Ma’am, you probably don’t need to sue Enterprise for this, but you’re more than welcome to try,” she said rolling her empty eyes at a coworker. I laughed out loud as I left the establishment, vowing to never return again.

All of the Kim Zolciak jokes have been made, so I won't go there.

2009-08-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Dlisted. Now I don’t have to search high and low for a Halloween costume this year. I can be Kate Gosselin! Make that, The Slutty Kate Gosselin. If I combine this wig with the right boots and hosiery, someone in an Ed Hardy t-shirt might want to have sex with me.

I didn’t think it was possible to have a less attractive costume than HO-sama, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

My favorite part of this domepiece is the slashed price. Down to $14.99 already? Dayum. Sure, it's more than Kate pays her slave children to cut her real hair, but it’s a steal when you’re wig shopping.

What a white trash name for a wig. The Eight Is Too Much Adult Wig? No, wig namers, your grammar is too much. The grammatically correct wig title would be Eight Is Too Many, since "children" is a countable noun. For example, I took too many fertility pills. Or, A&E will probably sue this wig company for too much money and win.

No One Ever Says, "I Want To Work at Enterprise When I Grow Up."

2009-07-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

I should probably note that I have no idea if All State Insurance or Enterprise Rent a Car discriminate against the handicapped. I would guess that they do since this nice gentleman took the time to create a sign illustrating the point. Well, he probably didn’t make the sign himself (under breath: he’s handicapped) but he was able to get someone with enough block letter writing skills to do his dirty work, which is impressive. In All State’s defense, maybe they just discriminate against pasty white legs. Dude, if you’re that bad off, wear some Hooters hose. (If those aren’t his real legs, let the record show I feel terrible and if I ever lose my legs, I want those kind minus the socks as replacements.)

Time to let my anger out. Enterprise Rent-a-Car can go fuck off. All of you motivationless “just needed a job after college and got stuck” douchebags wasting your lives behind your ’95 MS-DOS vomit-colored oversized computer monitors calling your lamo Enterprise co-workers to see if they have a mid-sized pile of shit on their lot, which you told me you reserved yesterday…just go fuck off. And take your “What kind of insurance would you like to purchase? (that you don’t need because you’re already fully covered but I get commission if you’re too dumb to not to know that)” questions with you.

First you don’t have a car for me. Then one of your employees has to drive me 20 miles away from civilization to Topanga Canyon, as that’s the only Enterprise in LA County with any cars left. It would have made more sense for Hertz to rent a car from Avis, drive it until it runs out of gas and desert it in an Alamo lot, where it could then be towed to Enterprise so you could rent it to someone else in front of me.

The car I finally rent, well, at least the lights work. By lights I mean the check engine, check tire pressure, and “the airbag might be broke” lights. They’re all fully illuminated, you assholes. As if renting me that excuse for a vehicle wasn’t enough, you want me to drive it back to you because you forgot to inspect it before I left? Newsflash, Enterprise. Shannon Hatch is not comin’. You fucked up. You fix it.

Oh my God, I feel so much better now.

Millionaire Snatchmaker

2009-07-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

I never liked this Millionaire Matchmaker bitch. In fact, I hate just about anyone who thinks they have a knack for setting people up. Matchmakers are always annoying out of shape women who pretend they’re happy when their friends hook up, but then complain that they’re a “third wheel” when it happens.

Grow up, matchmakers. We’re not living in Fiddler on The Roof. If you can’t find perspective mates in our internet-obsessed society, you don’t deserve to be mating.

Back to why I don’t like Patti Stanger. Reason #1: She told women trying to get with old, rich dudes to never wear their hair curly because it’s not attractive. You know what else is not attractive? Knee-tits with sunspots.

Reason #2 I discovered over at (gag me) Perez. This long-faced fake lipped judgmental piece of Jersey trash is finally engaged, after 6 years of dating some real estate douche who she met through a matchmaker. She had this advice to share with the world.

"I have a rule, if you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year," says Patti, regarding her wedding ring.

Great advice, since marriage is the kind of thing we should be rushing. I’d imagine there’s nothing more enticing to a man than charging him more for your pussy if he doesn’t marry you immediately.

If you’re so good at getting people to fall in love, why did it take 6 years for your boyfriend to ask for your gold-digging hand in marriage? When questioned about this, Patti claimed it’s because she’s ~~“kinda fat and doesn’t like giving blow jobs”~~ “too focused on her career.”

Sure, Patti. Dude woulda totally put a ring on it if you weren’t so focused. Being driven to succeed is such a turn off for real estate moguls. Maybe it was your straight hair.

Ice Cubes, Nurse Jackie, & Taxidermy Barretts

2009-07-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

To those of you following my refrigerater woes, you should know that it’s fixed as a bitch. The food is soooooooo as cold as it's supposed to be. No more water in my ice trays, baby. Up and runnin’ shit. Oddly enough, the compressor valve pump nozzle pipe did burn out. Like I said the whole time.

My weekend was amazing. Parmesan fondue on top of flat iron steak amazing. I saw that gay movie, overdosed on Miso soup at a chain restaurant, and caught 6 episodes of Nurse Jackie. I’m not sure how I’ve lived so long without this show in my life. If someone could make a pill of this show, I would grind it up and put it in my coffee every morning, noon, and night.

Which is why finding this piece of “comedy” over at Pophangover this morning greatly offended me.

Sorry if Nurse Jackie isn’t Entourage, Pophangover. Some of us (albeit not many) are bored watching television shows where the entire cast looks conventionally attractive and exactly the same (besides the token fat guy). And I had such high hopes for your website after your Taxidermy Jewelry post.

So, yeah. Turns out somebody beat us all to the punch at combining fashion and roadkill. I think? I’m really hoping the leather and fur we wear comes from animals killed for the purpose of fashion – not hit by a Dodge truck and turned into assless chaps. That would be gross.

Is anyone looking at the rat in this photo and not picturing it coming to life like that mink coat in Ghostbusters?

Excuse me, ma'am, is your refrigerator running?

2009-07-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

No, no it's not. And thanks for rubbing it in.

My refrigerator broke last Sunday. That’s the second refrigerator to break on me in three months. Yes, I’ve checked the motor coil thermo compressor circuit valve or whatever you were going to tell me to do. It’s broke.

My landlord looks like Latoya Jackson and is a bitch. Made me wait a god damn week for the Mr. Fix It guy who I’m almost positive she’s screwing to “take a look at it.” He comes over tomorrow. If he fixes my fridge, I can live my life like I’m not in a third world country. If he doesn’t, I have to purchase my third refrigerator this year. This time I’m getting the FridgeFax.

There’s nothing more depressing than putting your hopeful hand into a lukewarm refrigerator. Sweaty Diet Coke cans and questionable condiments staring at you. I hate wasting food so much I tried to tell myself Miracle Whip was vinegar-based. But instead of being angry that I had to lose an entire trip of Costco food to the refrigerator Gods, I thought perhaps I should be thankful for what my refrigerator is good for.

Top 5 Uses For My Refrigerator

5. Paper Weight

There is a fan in my kitchen, and this fridge has no problem holding down items like paper towels or misplaced cat treats when it's windy. It will, however, crush the fuck out of a cheezit.

4. Sock Drawer

I may as well use those empty crisper drawers for something.

3. Hot Yoga Studio

It’s about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of my apartment. Not saying I could roast marshmallows over it or anything, but I could possibly rent the space out for some down dog action.

2. Magnet Holder

Shockingly, no matter what temperature my re-heaterator reaches, those magnets do not let go.

1. Storage for Murdered Landlord’s Body

Listen, I know it’s not as effective as keeping her body on ice, but I’m certain I could hide her from the authorities until one of the neighbors had a plumbing issue for her to avoid next week.

Opie Taylor's Taking Hip Hop Classes Again

2009-05-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

This makes humans seem grosser than usual to me. I don’t care if you abuse your child – it’s none of my business, frankly. But when you encourage your 5-year-old to learn sexually-charged techno dance moves and post them on youtube, you’re abusing me. And I’m not gonna take it!

Nice wife beater, Henry. Are you wearing that to look more like your daddy? Newsflash, cinnamon stick, your dad’s retarded. I bet your report card is filled with S minuses in conduct and Daddy don’t give a shit. He thinks it’s cute when you bring him MGD’s from the fridge and bully kids in your class who can’t do the robot. It’s not.

You see, Henry, poppin' and lockin' will never save you from the wrath you will have to endure in middle school. No matter how many youtube hits your videos get, you’ll always have one shortcoming. Because I don’t want it to come from me directly, let’s just say that I’m pretty sure Brandon Davis thinks you’re a firecrotch. Hear that? That’s Paris Hilton laughing at you. How does it feel?

Thanks to Videogum for being first at the scene.

For more of Henry’s wacky moves, including that time he challenged his ~~challenged~~ older sister to a dance off, click here to waste more of your day.

(Yes, I typed the last line for html practice. Nailed it!)

The Cisco Adler of Hamsters

2009-05-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here it is. Latest youtube sensation. A hamster with gigantic balls falling asleep.

Why am I so bitter? He is cute, in an elephant man sorta way. I guess I’m just angry that some no-talent hamster has more of a youtube following sleeping than I could ever manage to have awake. Hey, Pinkberries, at least I keep my clothes on. Some of us still have our dignity.

So let me get this straight – he’s a hamster…with human-sized balls…who’s an internet sensation because everyone’s laughing at him? If his name isn’t William Hung, his owner should be killed.

Most of the time I like to think I’m above teabag humor, but then I see hamster balls and write a Carlos Mencia joke. I want Pixar to bring Nuggets to the big screen so I can watch him stuff those sweet bean bags down a gopher’s throat while screaming, “Once you go rodent, you swallow my load-ent!” I don’t know why William Hung is Mexican now, but I swear we could get Patton and Janeane to do the voices.

Tampon Tail

2009-05-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

I frequent a beauty blog called eyeslipsface. Ok, I’ve never actually read it, but they send me weekly links to their blog as a punishment for buying cheap mineral make up from them. (I’m big into savings. And saving big.) Before I deleted today’s email, a blog title jumped out at me – Tampon Tail.

My first thought was that Double T was the newest X-Men character. I had already planned on buying all of her Slurpee cups & giving them out as gag gifts. (Quite literally.)

How cool would Tampon Tail be? “Serious actress” Megan Fox seduces bad guys all over the city – stay with me – and just before they think they’re about to get the goods, she pulls that sopping wet plug from her lady parts, wraps the tail around their necks, and chokes them until her tampon is dry and she can re-insert. Her worst nightmare? A superhero named Toxic Shock. He wears a cape and smells like catfish. I am so watching this movie. Probably through my fingers while I ask the guy next to me to tell me when it’s over, but I’m watching it.

I hate to burst my bubble, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be buying Toxic Shock 3D Slurpee cups anytime soon. The article, of course, was actually referring to Britney’s tampon mishap at her concert last week.

"I see London I see France I see Britneys…Tampon?? Yikes bikini season is near and I have to say ladies make sure to tuck in those Tampons! It sucks having dear ol’ Aunt Flow around during beach weather, but sometimes you just gotta cross your fingers and hope all goes well with that convenient torpedo of cotton. Question is…would you tell a fellow female her tampon string is showing?

Love,
Achelle"

Excuse me, Achelle, did your mother have something against consonants? Nevermind. I’d appreciate if you didn’t use words like, “Yikes” when discussing an exposed tampon string. Pretty sure I’d rather be the girl who shit in the hot tub on youtube than Britney in this video. It’s horrifying. I’m embarrassed just looking at tampons in the wrapper. (Wrapper? Like it’s candy.) Whatever.

I do enjoy the profound question you posed for your blog subscribers. Would I tell my friend if her tampon string was showing? Sure. As long as it’s still white.

Popeyes Is the Chris Brown of Fast Food Restaurants.

2009-04-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Rochester, NY’s ABC affiliate WHAM (no exclamation point) couldn’t find one white person who eats Popeyes chicken. Shame on you, channel 13. Plant someone. You have interns!

I love that half of the cars in the drive-thru drove there because the Popeyes across town had already run out of chicken. Customers must have passed at least 3 KFC’s on the way and thought, “Ya know, I’m takin’ my chances at Popeyes.” Their loyalty should be commended – especially the man who calls customer service to find yet another Popeyes location. It’s like they’re all going back to their abusive boyfriends. Don’t do it, Rihanna! He’s going to run out of green beans next week and tell you he’s sorry. He’s not.

I, for one, hope Popeyes is proud of itself. The children in at least one caravan went hungry for the night due to some general manager’s inventory error. “You mean to tell me that we can’t feed our kids?!?” Ma’am, before you starve your children for the evening WHAM channel 13 news suggests that you grab some pigs feet on your way home and tell your knocked up teenage daughter to throw them in the oven at 325 after she makes the kool-aid.

Tune in next week for WHAM’S coverage of a 20-car-pileup – all Asians at the wheel. Coincidence, they swear.

To follow Popeyes on Twitter (I had to) click here

2009-04-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Q: Shannon, how does it feel not to move past the preliminary round of an amateur stand up contest it took you 2 and a half hours to drive to?

A: Exactly how you’d think it feels.

But then I found this video and I felt much better about myself. Let's hear it for other people's misery! OPM, if you're black.

My Top 5 PG-13 Movies of All-Childhood

2009-04-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

I’m in a stand-up comedy competition tonight. The rules say I must keep my material “PG-13.” I think that means I can curse in moderation, be as violent as I want, and I can show my tits for a few seconds at the end of my set.

I’m such an asshole. I am seriously looking up “PG-13” guidelines to see which jokes are ok to tell. Jesus. If there are any kids under 13 at the comedy club, perhaps they need better security – not cleaner comics.

To celebrate cleaning up my act as little as possible for tonight, here are my top 5 favorite PG-13 movies, from back when I was first allowed to watch them. I haven’t seen most of them in a while, so forgive me if I’m a bit foggy on the plots.

#5 – Howard The Duck

This pervy duck from another planet starts crushing on Caroline in the City and the guy from Beetlejuice sticks his tongue in that part of a car that charges your cell phone. If that doesn’t entice you to watch this movie again, I don’t know what would. (Upon further inspection it turns out this movie is rated PG. It stays on my list because it strikes me as PG-13. I make the rules.)

Rated PG-13 (for the sake of this blog) for moderate language & brief duck nudity, if you count the feather-covered tits in the “Playduck” mag he flips through.

#4 – Adventures In Babysitting

Check out Elizabeth Shue’s blazer! So hot. “The dishes are done, man” dude has a major boner for “Ali with an ‘I’” (who can blame him?) and they all go to the city to pick up Ali’s blind, rat-loving friend from a bus station…but they run into some trouble! It was either a rival babysitting club or gang-related. Don’t remember.

Rated PG-13 for language, violence, & that do-not-try-this-at-home side of the building scale they all take part in.

#3 – The Lost Boys

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman – you probably recognize them from A&E’s reality show, The Two Coreys (Haim plays the lesbian). They fill squirt guns with holy water and garlic to defeat Jack Bauer and his buddies. Grandpa’s the coolest. He’s a taxidermist but I almost typed “ventriloquist.”

Rated PG-13 because of the drug use both Coreys take part in years later.

#2 – Just One of the Guys

You’re probably aware that this was not my first choice of images to best illustrate the film. Google image Joyce Hyser’s breasts all you will, a split screen of “Terry” before and after is the best you’ll come up with.

A hot chick named Terry (never met one in my life, btw) goes undercover as a dude for a high school newspaper article. She flashes her gigantic tits in an effort to win the heart of her new buddy who thinks she’s a dude. I can suspend a little disbelief – but where is she hiding these D cups all movie? Sure, she’s got that square-shouldered Thriller-ish leather jacket most of the time, but those puppies are not going to be suppressed comfortably. Maybe that’s why they looked so good at the end. They were swollen from months of being held down with gaffer tape and gasping for air.

Rated PG-13 for that godawful tuxedo t-shirt her brother wears to the prom.

#1 – Children of the Corn

I think this calls for a trailer. This movie scared the piss out of me when I was little, mostly because one of the leaders looked like Budnick from Salute Your Shorts. These kids get together and kill all the adults, which yes, sounds great in theory, but they are not the cool grown-up killing kind. They’re like young Pat Buchanan’s with farm shovels.

PG-13 (actually R, but who’s counting?) because I had no appetite for corn even years after seeing it. To be fair, I didn’t eat corn all that much before I saw it. I'm not into flossing or dead parents.

I Like Square Butts!

2009-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

No, Sir Mix-a-Lot, you like rectangular paychecks.

Thanks to Burger King’s latest ad campaign, Spongebob and Sir Mix-a-Lot are finally collaborating. I haven’t seen a better promotional team since Coolio and George Jetson tried to sell us Odor Eaters. (Note: That never happened. But with any luck Weird Al will read this and make it happen.)

While I have no problem with Sir Needs-a-Lot’s endorsement choices, I do have a problem addressing him as sir. Really, Mr. Mix-a-Lot? What member of the British Empire knighted you? What exactly did you contribute to society to earn that title? Sir Isaac Newton formulated the laws of motion. I don’t think writing an early 90’s butt ballad counts as public service.

Baby Got Back’s been making thicker girls feel better about themselves since Pringles hit the market. It’s like the Spanx of music.

The best lyric of the song – hands down – is, “I wanna get with ya, won’t cuss or hit ya.” (Keep in mind, Sir Mix-a-Lot said this before Chris Brown made it cool.) What an enticing way to get into my pants. Glad you’re not going to physically or verbally abuse me if I agree to sleep with you. Can I call you sometime? Your number still 1-900-MIX-A LOT? Maybe I can come over and you can bend me over one of those gigantic pieces of ass furniture from your video.

Even white boys got to shout.