Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Vagina (seriously)

Yesterday Megan Mariah (I can see the similarities already) Barnes crashed her car while attempting to shave her pubic hair behind the wheel. She told officers she was “meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”

And you thought your car was dirty.

I applaud this woman. Anyone who’s confident enough to maneuver a pink lady Bic down there sans shaving cream while multitasking is my kinda lady. I usually get a handheld mirror out and pray for no earthquakes.

The razor burn’s probably not going to be a big hit in jail. Not to mention, she crashed into another car while a razor blade was inches away from her clitoris. Mugshot, shmugshot - I want to see the nether region damages! (No, I don’t.)

Megan’s tombstone should say: Bad driver. Great girlfriend.

Naomi is innocent, guys.

The driver Naomi Campbell punched in the face the other day is dropping all charges against her. The dude’s lawyer issued a statement saying his client “overreacted.” There’s no way this incident didn’t happen. The bottom of Naomi’s Wikipedia page reads like the last season of Dexter.

I’ll sum up her Wiki page for you. “Several stitches” are involved in most of the cases against her, and there’s mention of blood spatter when some bitch showed up to a hotel with the same dress she was wearing. That, of course, isn’t even including the housekeepers (yes, plural) she’s maimed with her bejeweled cell phone.

Does anyone else think Governor Paterson had something to do with the charges being dropped? I was hoping Naomi’s Wiki page would tell me she was Paterson’s aide in the “Early Life” section, or I’d find out that Paterson’s eye injury was due an ill-timed piece of plastic ricocheting off Naomi’s assistant’s skull into his retina, but no luck.

I never get tired of topless Lindsay Lohan photos.

I'm hoping she's shows us some of her famous sideboob inside.

USA! USA!

Headaches are a god damn headache

I would pay top dollar for a giant plastic pill with the word “PAIN” etched into it. It would be perfect for my apartment, both aesthetically and metaphorically. It’s inarguably the best prop from any music video since the giant plastic butts Sir Mix-A-Lot stands on in “Baby Got Back.” (Yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot came first. I was shocked too.)

Meet Doug

I logged into myspace today to make sure it still sucked and I had a friend request from Doug. The message sent with the request read, “You’re the hottest Asian/Black/Latino I’ve seen (and that’s saying something)! Do you ever make it down to S. D. ?”

I applaud this message for many reasons.

1) Doug sends his copied and pasted message to every Asian/Black/Latino profile he comes across, without taking the time to delete the races that clearly don’t apply. Efficient! He’s got shit to do.

2) I’m white as shit, and that didn’t factor in. Maybe he could tell from my headshots that I have a giant ass.

3) “(and that’s saying something!)” Is he insinuating that he’s some kind of professional when it comes to ogling Asian/Black/Latino women? I’m enticed!

4) Why can’t he just group white chicks in with the other races? Does he think white chicks are hotter and, therefore, in a league of their own? I bet he listens to John Mayer.

Honey, should we watch the Olympics or some soft core? Why not both?

The scariest part about this video is that I'm pretty sure her pants split because I really wanted her pants to split. Like, I caused it somehow. And I owe her, her family, and every friend she told, "Don't miss it! It's live at 8pm and you should DVR it," well, I owe them all one big, fat, crack of an apology.

I don't know about you guys, but if I was a young, up and coming female bobsleigher with the hopes of one day being in the Olympics, I'd take one look at this video and switch to luge.

I'd like to imagine that the moment before it happened, her dad leaned over to her mom and with a tear in his eye said, "That's my girl."

And why hasn't anyone added a phony fart sound effect to this video yet? Get on it. It'll sound hilarious in slow-mo.

Hey, Is That 3 Condoms in Your Pocket or Are You Just Really Into Freaky Balloon Animals?

According to this, a woman carrying 3 or more condoms in Washington D.C. can be arrested for prostitution.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally for this new legislation!

Be honest, ladies, when’s the last time you had 3 condoms in your wallet? 3 condoms! That means you’d have to foresee not 1, not 2, but 3 possibilities of sex you can’t imagine turning down before you can make it home, of course, to stock up on more condoms, you slut.

I can’t think of an occasion when I’ve carried more than 3 tampons in my purse, and trust me, I’m a bleeder. Why would a lady need 3 condoms? The only time I had even one condom in my wallet was when I was a 14-year-old boy trying to impress my friends. (It worked.)

99 times out of a hundred you’re going to have sex at home, so keep your condoms in your nightstand like a human being. Totin’ 3 condoms around like you’re some kinda animal leads me to believe you ‘re either into sex on the go (weird), you like to have the safest sex possible (weirder), or you’re a prostitute (not weird).

Let’s face facts – it’s hard for police to spot prostitutes these days. Plenty of respectable ladies wear fishnet stockings with the vagina parts cut out with fake eyelashes to highlight (his or) her black eyes and lean into passenger windows to ask what you're into. Now that officers can enforce the 3-condoms or you’re out rule, they can weed out the school teachers from the street walkers.

Not to mention, who uses condoms anyway (besides, hopefully, prostitutes)?