Thursday, January 21, 2010

Honey, should we watch the Olympics or some soft core? Why not both?

The scariest part about this video is that I'm pretty sure her pants split because I really wanted her pants to split. Like, I caused it somehow. And I owe her, her family, and every friend she told, "Don't miss it! It's live at 8pm and you should DVR it," well, I owe them all one big, fat, crack of an apology.

I don't know about you guys, but if I was a young, up and coming female bobsleigher with the hopes of one day being in the Olympics, I'd take one look at this video and switch to luge.

I'd like to imagine that the moment before it happened, her dad leaned over to her mom and with a tear in his eye said, "That's my girl."

And why hasn't anyone added a phony fart sound effect to this video yet? Get on it. It'll sound hilarious in slow-mo.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hey, Is That 3 Condoms in Your Pocket or Are You Just Really Into Freaky Balloon Animals?

According to this, a woman carrying 3 or more condoms in Washington D.C. can be arrested for prostitution.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally for this new legislation!

Be honest, ladies, when’s the last time you had 3 condoms in your wallet? 3 condoms! That means you’d have to foresee not 1, not 2, but 3 possibilities of sex you can’t imagine turning down before you can make it home, of course, to stock up on more condoms, you slut.

I can’t think of an occasion when I’ve carried more than 3 tampons in my purse, and trust me, I’m a bleeder. Why would a lady need 3 condoms? The only time I had even one condom in my wallet was when I was a 14-year-old boy trying to impress my friends. (It worked.)

99 times out of a hundred you’re going to have sex at home, so keep your condoms in your nightstand like a human being. Totin’ 3 condoms around like you’re some kinda animal leads me to believe you ‘re either into sex on the go (weird), you like to have the safest sex possible (weirder), or you’re a prostitute (not weird).

Let’s face facts – it’s hard for police to spot prostitutes these days. Plenty of respectable ladies wear fishnet stockings with the vagina parts cut out with fake eyelashes to highlight (his or) her black eyes and lean into passenger windows to ask what you're into. Now that officers can enforce the 3-condoms or you’re out rule, they can weed out the school teachers from the street walkers.

Not to mention, who uses condoms anyway (besides, hopefully, prostitutes)?