Headaches are a god damn headache

I would pay top dollar for a giant plastic pill with the word “PAIN” etched into it. It would be perfect for my apartment, both aesthetically and metaphorically. It’s inarguably the best prop from any music video since the giant plastic butts Sir Mix-A-Lot stands on in “Baby Got Back.” (Yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot came first. I was shocked too.)

Meet Doug

I logged into myspace today to make sure it still sucked and I had a friend request from Doug. The message sent with the request read, “You’re the hottest Asian/Black/Latino I’ve seen (and that’s saying something)! Do you ever make it down to S. D. ?”

I applaud this message for many reasons.

1) Doug sends his copied and pasted message to every Asian/Black/Latino profile he comes across, without taking the time to delete the races that clearly don’t apply. Efficient! He’s got shit to do.

2) I’m white as shit, and that didn’t factor in. Maybe he could tell from my headshots that I have a giant ass.

3) “(and that’s saying something!)” Is he insinuating that he’s some kind of professional when it comes to ogling Asian/Black/Latino women? I’m enticed!

4) Why can’t he just group white chicks in with the other races? Does he think white chicks are hotter and, therefore, in a league of their own? I bet he listens to John Mayer.