Tuesday, July 28, 2009

No One Ever Says, "I Want To Work at Enterprise When I Grow Up."


I should probably note that I have no idea if All State Insurance or Enterprise Rent a Car discriminate against the handicapped. I would guess that they do since this nice gentleman took the time to create a sign illustrating the point. Well, he probably didn’t make the sign himself (under breath: he’s handicapped) but he was able to get someone with enough block letter writing skills to do his dirty work, which is impressive. In All State’s defense, maybe they just discriminate against pasty white legs. Dude, if you’re that bad off, wear some Hooters hose. (If those aren’t his real legs, let the record show I feel terrible and if I ever lose my legs, I want those kind minus the socks as replacements.)

Time to let my anger out. Enterprise Rent-a-Car can go fuck off. All of you motivationless “just needed a job after college and got stuck” douchebags wasting your lives behind your ’95 MS-DOS vomit-colored oversized computer monitors calling your lamo Enterprise co-workers to see if they have a mid-sized pile of shit on their lot, which you told me you reserved yesterday…just go fuck off. And take your “What kind of insurance would you like to purchase? (that you don’t need because you’re already fully covered but I get commission if you’re too dumb to not to know that)” questions with you.

First you don’t have a car for me. Then one of your employees has to drive me 20 miles away from civilization to Topanga Canyon, as that’s the only Enterprise in LA County with any cars left. It would have made more sense for Hertz to rent a car from Avis, drive it until it runs out of gas and desert it in an Alamo lot, where it could then be towed to Enterprise so you could rent it to someone else in front of me.

The car I finally rent, well, at least the lights work. By lights I mean the check engine, check tire pressure, and “the airbag might be broke” lights. They’re all fully illuminated, you assholes. As if renting me that excuse for a vehicle wasn’t enough, you want me to drive it back to you because you forgot to inspect it before I left? Newsflash, Enterprise. Shannon Hatch is not comin’. You fucked up. You fix it.

Oh my God, I feel so much better now.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Millionaire Snatchmaker


I never liked this Millionaire Matchmaker bitch. In fact, I hate just about anyone who thinks they have a knack for setting people up. Matchmakers are always annoying out of shape women who pretend they’re happy when their friends hook up, but then complain that they’re a “third wheel” when it happens.

Grow up, matchmakers. We’re not living in Fiddler on The Roof. If you can’t find perspective mates in our internet-obsessed society, you don’t deserve to be mating.

Back to why I don’t like Patti Stanger. Reason #1: She told women trying to get with old, rich dudes to never wear their hair curly because it’s not attractive. You know what else is not attractive? Knee-tits with sunspots.

Reason #2 I discovered over at (gag me) Perez. This long-faced fake lipped judgmental piece of Jersey trash is finally engaged, after 6 years of dating some real estate douche who she met through a matchmaker. She had this advice to share with the world.

"I have a rule, if you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year," says Patti, regarding her wedding ring.

Great advice, since marriage is the kind of thing we should be rushing. I’d imagine there’s nothing more enticing to a man than charging him more for your pussy if he doesn’t marry you immediately.

If you’re so good at getting people to fall in love, why did it take 6 years for your boyfriend to ask for your gold-digging hand in marriage? When questioned about this, Patti claimed it’s because she’s “kinda fat and doesn’t like giving blow jobs” “too focused on her career.”


Sure, Patti. Dude woulda totally put a ring on it if you weren’t so focused. Being driven to succeed is such a turn off for real estate moguls. Maybe it was your straight hair.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Ice Cubes, Nurse Jackie, & Taxidermy Barretts


To those of you following my refrigerater woes, you should know that it’s fixed as a bitch. The food is soooooooo as cold as it's supposed to be. No more water in my ice trays, baby. Up and runnin’ shit. Oddly enough, the compressor valve pump nozzle pipe did burn out. Like I said the whole time.

My weekend was amazing. Parmesan fondue on top of flat iron steak amazing. I saw that gay movie, overdosed on Miso soup at a chain restaurant, and caught 6 episodes of Nurse Jackie. I’m not sure how I’ve lived so long without this show in my life. If someone could make a pill of this show, I would grind it up and put it in my coffee every morning, noon, and night.

Which is why finding this piece of “comedy” over at Pophangover this morning greatly offended me.


Sorry if Nurse Jackie isn’t Entourage, Pophangover. Some of us (albeit not many) are bored watching television shows where the entire cast looks conventionally attractive and exactly the same (besides the token fat guy). And I had such high hopes for your website after your Taxidermy Jewelry post.


So, yeah. Turns out somebody beat us all to the punch at combining fashion and roadkill. I think? I’m really hoping the leather and fur we wear comes from animals killed for the purpose of fashion – not hit by a Dodge truck and turned into assless chaps. That would be gross.

Is anyone looking at the rat in this photo and not picturing it coming to life like that mink coat in Ghostbusters?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Excuse me, ma'am, is your refrigerator running?

No, no it's not. And thanks for rubbing it in.

My refrigerator broke last Sunday. That’s the second refrigerator to break on me in three months. Yes, I’ve checked the motor coil thermo compressor circuit valve or whatever you were going to tell me to do. It’s broke.

My landlord looks like Latoya Jackson and is a bitch. Made me wait a god damn week for the Mr. Fix It guy who I’m almost positive she’s screwing to “take a look at it.” He comes over tomorrow. If he fixes my fridge, I can live my life like I’m not in a third world country. If he doesn’t, I have to purchase my third refrigerator this year. This time I’m getting the FridgeFax.

There’s nothing more depressing than putting your hopeful hand into a lukewarm refrigerator. Sweaty Diet Coke cans and questionable condiments staring at you. I hate wasting food so much I tried to tell myself Miracle Whip was vinegar-based. But instead of being angry that I had to lose an entire trip of Costco food to the refrigerator Gods, I thought perhaps I should be thankful for what my refrigerator is good for.


Top 5 Uses For My Refrigerator

5. Paper Weight

There is a fan in my kitchen, and this fridge has no problem holding down items like paper towels or misplaced cat treats when it's windy. It will, however, crush the fuck out of a cheezit.

4. Sock Drawer

I may as well use those empty crisper drawers for something.

3. Hot Yoga Studio

It’s about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of my apartment. Not saying I could roast marshmallows over it or anything, but I could possibly rent the space out for some down dog action.

2. Magnet Holder

Shockingly, no matter what temperature my re-heaterator reaches, those magnets do not let go.

1. Storage for Murdered Landlord’s Body

Listen, I know it’s not as effective as keeping her body on ice, but I’m certain I could hide her from the authorities until one of the neighbors had a plumbing issue for her to avoid next week.