Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Opie Taylor's Taking Hip Hop Classes Again

This makes humans seem grosser than usual to me. I don’t care if you abuse your child – it’s none of my business, frankly. But when you encourage your 5-year-old to learn sexually-charged techno dance moves and post them on youtube, you’re abusing me. And I’m not gonna take it!

Nice wife beater, Henry. Are you wearing that to look more like your daddy? Newsflash, cinnamon stick, your dad’s retarded. I bet your report card is filled with S minuses in conduct and Daddy don’t give a shit. He thinks it’s cute when you bring him MGD’s from the fridge and bully kids in your class who can’t do the robot. It’s not.

You see, Henry, poppin' and lockin' will never save you from the wrath you will have to endure in middle school. No matter how many youtube hits your videos get, you’ll always have one shortcoming. Because I don’t want it to come from me directly, let’s just say that I’m pretty sure Brandon Davis thinks you’re a firecrotch. Hear that? That’s Paris Hilton laughing at you. How does it feel?


Thanks to Videogum for being first at the scene.

For more of Henry’s wacky moves, including that time he challenged his challenged older sister to a dance off, click here to waste more of your day.

(Yes, I typed the last line for html practice. Nailed it!)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Cisco Adler of Hamsters

Here it is. Latest youtube sensation. A hamster with gigantic balls falling asleep.

Why am I so bitter? He is cute, in an elephant man sorta way. I guess I’m just angry that some no-talent hamster has more of a youtube following sleeping than I could ever manage to have awake. Hey, Pinkberries, at least I keep my clothes on. Some of us still have our dignity.

So let me get this straight – he’s a hamster…with human-sized balls…who’s an internet sensation because everyone’s laughing at him? If his name isn’t William Hung, his owner should be killed.

Most of the time I like to think I’m above teabag humor, but then I see hamster balls and write a Carlos Mencia joke. I want Pixar to bring Nuggets to the big screen so I can watch him stuff those sweet bean bags down a gopher’s throat while screaming, “Once you go rodent, you swallow my load-ent!” I don’t know why William Hung is Mexican now, but I swear we could get Patton and Janeane to do the voices.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Tampon Tail

I frequent a beauty blog called eyeslipsface. Ok, I’ve never actually read it, but they send me weekly links to their blog as a punishment for buying cheap mineral make up from them. (I’m big into savings. And saving big.) Before I deleted today’s email, a blog title jumped out at me – Tampon Tail.

My first thought was that Double T was the newest X-Men character. I had already planned on buying all of her Slurpee cups & giving them out as gag gifts. (Quite literally.)

How cool would Tampon Tail be? “Serious actress” Megan Fox seduces bad guys all over the city – stay with me – and just before they think they’re about to get the goods, she pulls that sopping wet plug from her lady parts, wraps the tail around their necks, and chokes them until her tampon is dry and she can re-insert. Her worst nightmare? A superhero named Toxic Shock. He wears a cape and smells like catfish. I am so watching this movie. Probably through my fingers while I ask the guy next to me to tell me when it’s over, but I’m watching it.


I hate to burst my bubble, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be buying Toxic Shock 3D Slurpee cups anytime soon. The article, of course, was actually referring to Britney’s tampon mishap at her concert last week.

"I see London I see France I see Britneys…Tampon?? Yikes bikini season is near and I have to say ladies make sure to tuck in those Tampons! It sucks having dear ol’ Aunt Flow around during beach weather, but sometimes you just gotta cross your fingers and hope all goes well with that convenient torpedo of cotton. Question is…would you tell a fellow female her tampon string is showing?


Excuse me, Achelle, did your mother have something against consonants? Nevermind. I’d appreciate if you didn’t use words like, “Yikes” when discussing an exposed tampon string. Pretty sure I’d rather be the girl who shit in the hot tub on youtube than Britney in this video. It’s horrifying. I’m embarrassed just looking at tampons in the wrapper. (Wrapper? Like it’s candy.) Whatever.

I do enjoy the profound question you posed for your blog subscribers. Would I tell my friend if her tampon string was showing? Sure. As long as it’s still white.