Monday, April 27, 2009

Popeyes Is the Chris Brown of Fast Food Restaurants.

Apparently, Rochester, NY’s ABC affiliate WHAM (no exclamation point) couldn’t find one white person who eats Popeyes chicken. Shame on you, channel 13. Plant someone. You have interns!

I love that half of the cars in the drive-thru drove there because the Popeyes across town had already run out of chicken. Customers must have passed at least 3 KFC’s on the way and thought, “Ya know, I’m takin’ my chances at Popeyes.” Their loyalty should be commended – especially the man who calls customer service to find yet another Popeyes location. It’s like they’re all going back to their abusive boyfriends. Don’t do it, Rihanna! He’s going to run out of green beans next week and tell you he’s sorry. He’s not.

I, for one, hope Popeyes is proud of itself. The children in at least one caravan went hungry for the night due to some general manager’s inventory error. “You mean to tell me that we can’t feed our kids?!?” Ma’am, before you starve your children for the evening WHAM channel 13 news suggests that you grab some pigs feet on your way home and tell your knocked up teenage daughter to throw them in the oven at 325 after she makes the kool-aid.

Tune in next week for WHAM’S coverage of a 20-car-pileup – all Asians at the wheel. Coincidence, they swear.

To follow Popeyes on Twitter (I had to) click here

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Q: Shannon, how does it feel not to move past the preliminary round of an amateur stand up contest it took you 2 and a half hours to drive to?

A: Exactly how you’d think it feels.

But then I found this video and I felt much better about myself. Let's hear it for other people's misery! OPM, if you're black.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Top 5 PG-13 Movies of All-Childhood

I’m in a stand-up comedy competition tonight. The rules say I must keep my material “PG-13.” I think that means I can curse in moderation, be as violent as I want, and I can show my tits for a few seconds at the end of my set.

I’m such an asshole. I am seriously looking up “PG-13” guidelines to see which jokes are ok to tell. Jesus. If there are any kids under 13 at the comedy club, perhaps they need better security – not cleaner comics.

To celebrate cleaning up my act as little as possible for tonight, here are my top 5 favorite PG-13 movies, from back when I was first allowed to watch them. I haven’t seen most of them in a while, so forgive me if I’m a bit foggy on the plots.

#5 – Howard The Duck


This pervy duck from another planet starts crushing on Caroline in the City and the guy from Beetlejuice sticks his tongue in that part of a car that charges your cell phone. If that doesn’t entice you to watch this movie again, I don’t know what would. (Upon further inspection it turns out this movie is rated PG. It stays on my list because it strikes me as PG-13. I make the rules.)

Rated PG-13 (for the sake of this blog) for moderate language & brief duck nudity, if you count the feather-covered tits in the “Playduck” mag he flips through.

#4 – Adventures In Babysitting


Check out Elizabeth Shue’s blazer! So hot. “The dishes are done, man” dude has a major boner for “Ali with an ‘I’” (who can blame him?) and they all go to the city to pick up Ali’s blind, rat-loving friend from a bus station…but they run into some trouble! It was either a rival babysitting club or gang-related. Don’t remember.

Rated PG-13 for language, violence, & that do-not-try-this-at-home side of the building scale they all take part in.

#3 – The Lost Boys


Corey Haim and Corey Feldman – you probably recognize them from A&E’s reality show, The Two Coreys (Haim plays the lesbian). They fill squirt guns with holy water and garlic to defeat Jack Bauer and his buddies. Grandpa’s the coolest. He’s a taxidermist but I almost typed “ventriloquist.”

Rated PG-13 because of the drug use both Coreys take part in years later.

#2 – Just One of the Guys


You’re probably aware that this was not my first choice of images to best illustrate the film. Google image Joyce Hyser’s breasts all you will, a split screen of “Terry” before and after is the best you’ll come up with.

A hot chick named Terry (never met one in my life, btw) goes undercover as a dude for a high school newspaper article. She flashes her gigantic tits in an effort to win the heart of her new buddy who thinks she’s a dude. I can suspend a little disbelief – but where is she hiding these D cups all movie? Sure, she’s got that square-shouldered Thriller-ish leather jacket most of the time, but those puppies are not going to be suppressed comfortably. Maybe that’s why they looked so good at the end. They were swollen from months of being held down with gaffer tape and gasping for air.

Rated PG-13 for that godawful tuxedo t-shirt her brother wears to the prom.

#1 – Children of the Corn

I think this calls for a trailer. This movie scared the piss out of me when I was little, mostly because one of the leaders looked like Budnick from Salute Your Shorts. These kids get together and kill all the adults, which yes, sounds great in theory, but they are not the cool grown-up killing kind. They’re like young Pat Buchanan’s with farm shovels.

PG-13 (actually R, but who’s counting?) because I had no appetite for corn even years after seeing it. To be fair, I didn’t eat corn all that much before I saw it. I'm not into flossing or dead parents.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Like Square Butts!

No, Sir Mix-a-Lot, you like rectangular paychecks.

Thanks to Burger King’s latest ad campaign, Spongebob and Sir Mix-a-Lot are finally collaborating. I haven’t seen a better promotional team since Coolio and George Jetson tried to sell us Odor Eaters. (Note: That never happened. But with any luck Weird Al will read this and make it happen.)

While I have no problem with Sir Needs-a-Lot’s endorsement choices, I do have a problem addressing him as sir. Really, Mr. Mix-a-Lot? What member of the
British Empire knighted you? What exactly did you contribute to society to earn that title? Sir Isaac Newton formulated the laws of motion. I don’t think writing an early 90’s butt ballad counts as public service.

Baby Got Back
’s been making thicker girls feel better about themselves since Pringles hit the market. It’s like the Spanx of music.

The best lyric of the song – hands down – is, “I wanna get with ya, won’t cuss or hit ya.” (Keep in mind, Sir Mix-a-Lot said this before Chris Brown made it cool.) What an enticing way to get into my pants. Glad you’re not going to physically or verbally abuse me if I agree to sleep with you. Can I call you sometime? Your number still 1-900-MIX-A
LOT? Maybe I can come over and you can bend me over one of those gigantic pieces of ass furniture from your video.


Even white boys got to shout.