Apparently Someone's Been Dipping Flaming Hot Cheetos Puffs Into The Country Crock

Please, God, let this not have been me in a moment of drunken weakness.

Yet Another Quadriplegic Who's Happier Than Me

The video Nick Vujicic’s selling is called, “No Arms, No Legs, No Worries!” It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Murderball” but the message seems a bit less painful.

Seriously, how is this quadriplegic better than me at putt putt? I was scared to tell a new joke on stage last night and this guy’s jumping off the high dive without arms, legs, or apparently, worries.

So for 5 minutes today let’s cut out the bitter, “I deserve what so-and-so has” and be truly thankful for what we do have. And once that 5 minutes is up, we can go back to being pissed that some dude without arms or legs is more famous than us just for thinking positively and participating in water sports. What an optimistic dick.

Breaking News! Justin Bieber "German" Interview Crisis All Cleared Up

Turns out Biebs thought the New Zealand interviewer was saying “Jewman.” Which gives me a great idea for the worst superhero movie ever.

This Is The Best Internet Security Question I Have Ever Seen

If it's hard to view, the question reads: What is the name of your least favorite relative? I wonder how many people just straight up typed, “Dad.”

What’s your mom’s maiden name? can take a hike. What street did you grow up on? is for pussies. I want a security question designed for kids with broken families and/or creepy uncles. A question that, years later, when it’s posed and I have to think of my response to gain access to my account, is going to trigger a Thanksgiving memory I won’t soon forget.

(For the record, I picked a loud aunt.)