My Top 5 PG-13 Movies of All-Childhood

I’m in a stand-up comedy competition tonight. The rules say I must keep my material “PG-13.” I think that means I can curse in moderation, be as violent as I want, and I can show my tits for a few seconds at the end of my set.

I’m such an asshole. I am seriously looking up “PG-13” guidelines to see which jokes are ok to tell. Jesus. If there are any kids under 13 at the comedy club, perhaps they need better security – not cleaner comics.

To celebrate cleaning up my act as little as possible for tonight, here are my top 5 favorite PG-13 movies, from back when I was first allowed to watch them. I haven’t seen most of them in a while, so forgive me if I’m a bit foggy on the plots.


#5 – Howard The Duck

This pervy duck from another planet starts crushing on Caroline in the City and the guy from Beetlejuice sticks his tongue in that part of a car that charges your cell phone. If that doesn’t entice you to watch this movie again, I don’t know what would. (Upon further inspection it turns out this movie is rated PG. It stays on my list because it strikes me as PG-13. I make the rules.)

Rated PG-13 (for the sake of this blog) for moderate language & brief duck nudity, if you count the feather-covered tits in the “Playduck” mag he flips through.

#4 – Adventures In Babysitting

Check out Elizabeth Shue’s blazer! So hot. “The dishes are done, man” dude has a major boner for “Ali with an ‘I’” (who can blame him?) and they all go to the city to pick up Ali’s blind, rat-loving friend from a bus station…but they run into some trouble! It was either a rival babysitting club or gang-related. Don’t remember.

Rated PG-13 for language, violence, & that do-not-try-this-at-home side of the building scale they all take part in.

#3 – The Lost Boys

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman – you probably recognize them from A&E’s reality show, The Two Coreys (Haim plays the lesbian). They fill squirt guns with holy water and garlic to defeat Jack Bauer and his buddies. Grandpa’s the coolest. He’s a taxidermist but I almost typed “ventriloquist.”

Rated PG-13 because of the drug use both Coreys take part in years later.

#2 – Just One of the Guys

You’re probably aware that this was not my first choice of images to best illustrate the film. Google image Joyce Hyser’s breasts all you will, a split screen of “Terry” before and after is the best you’ll come up with.

A hot chick named Terry (never met one in my life, btw) goes undercover as a dude for a high school newspaper article. She flashes her gigantic tits in an effort to win the heart of her new buddy who thinks she’s a dude. I can suspend a little disbelief – but where is she hiding these D cups all movie? Sure, she’s got that square-shouldered Thriller-ish leather jacket most of the time, but those puppies are not going to be suppressed comfortably. Maybe that’s why they looked so good at the end. They were swollen from months of being held down with gaffer tape and gasping for air.

Rated PG-13 for that godawful tuxedo t-shirt her brother wears to the prom.

#1 – Children of the Corn

I think this calls for a trailer. This movie scared the piss out of me when I was little, mostly because one of the leaders looked like Budnick from Salute Your Shorts. These kids get together and kill all the adults, which yes, sounds great in theory, but they are not the cool grown-up killing kind. They’re like young Pat Buchanan’s with farm shovels.

PG-13 (actually R, but who’s counting?) because I had no appetite for corn even years after seeing it. To be fair, I didn’t eat corn all that much before I saw it. I'm not into flossing or dead parents.