Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Enterprise Rent-a-Lemon Round 2

I got my car back today. The civic was in the body shop (not that kind of body shop) after getting blasted from behind (yes, that kind of blasted) by a woman with 13 consonants in her name. In a row. I could probably find her name scribbled on a super important piece of scratch paper that I threw somewhere, but right now I can only remember there are 3 x’s in it and you wouldn’t believe me if I posted it anyway. Yes, she was Asian and yes, I do have enough pride not to make a joke about her driving.

But seriously, women drivers! C’mon, ladies. If you’re not going to watch the road, get back in the kitchen and make some meatloaf. Or in this case, orange chicken. Whatever you’re good at, really. Just don’t try to get fancy with risotto and F it up is all I’m sayin’. That was a disgrace to Italy, Jeffrey! (It's a Next Food Star thing, you wouldn't understand.)

I should mention that I took back the busted car Enterprise rented me last week to tell my favorite employee that the check engine light, check tire pressure alarm, service airbag alarm, and some light that I think was trying to warn me that I could be struck by a lightning bolt at any given moment – well, all of those were on and making dinging noises. When I told the Enterprise sales guy all he said was, “Don’t worry, you won’t be charged for that,” in between bites of his five-dollar foot long. He could not replace my rental for a more functional one, as Enterprise didn’t have any cars. He mumbled something about a car draught and I left.

I finally returned my excuse for a car to Enterprise this morning, so it was a joy to see all the old friends I’d made last week down at the office. They charged everything to Orange Chicken’s insurance company, which was nice, but I was taken aback when the associate asked me to rate my experience with them.

“Were you completely satisfied?” she asked.

“Absolutely,” I said, because I'm a pussy.

“You’re going to get a call asking you to rate our service, and we only pass if you say you were completely satisfied.”

Pass what? Is this some kind of test Enterprise office that I could shut down if I complain? I doubt it. I’m willing to bet the douchebag who calls me later for my service rating works for Enterprise, so by default he will suck too. I’d imagine it will go something like this…

“Oh, you were unsatisfied? That’s cool. So let me get this straight – the car it took you four hours to rent had mud on the seats and a flat tire? Bummer. Next time try Avis. So, seriously, from 1-5 how would you rate your Enterprise experience?”

“I’d probably give it a 3, I guess.” (Remember, I'm a pussy so giving them a 3 is really giving it to 'em good.)

On my way out the door, a sales associate was arguing with (can you believe it?) another unsatisfied customer over the phone. “Ma’am, you probably don’t need to sue Enterprise for this, but you’re more than welcome to try,” she said rolling her empty eyes at a coworker. I laughed out loud as I left the establishment, vowing to never return again.


  1. I remember when I was still in L.A. and unemployed, a friend of mine in Richmond tried to get me a job with Enterprise. And the thing that shocked me was,.........wait for it,'s actually kinda hard to get a job there. I mean you have to have good credit and jump through all these crazy hoops like it were a government job.

  2. You mean you don't like being waited on by the Pod People? Enterprise employees are almost as boringly attractive as Pharmaceutical salespeople from Pfizer. And though both groups are dumb as a pole, at least with Pfizer, you can get free Paxil samples.

  3. Avis: "At Avis, we're number two, so we try harder."
    Hertz: "Yeah, and what's that got you? How long have you been 'trying hard' and still only managing 2nd place, hmmm?"
    Enterprise: "Yeah, Avis, you guys are suckers. At Enterprise, we don't know how far down we rank and we don't care. We get paid either way, so who gives a crap?"
    Yoda: "There is no try--"
    Hertz: "Quiet, you!"