The Kardashian I Will Not Be Keeping Up With

Kourtney Kardashian forgot to take her birth control and got pregnant. That’s not a premise for an upcoming episode of her reality show; that’s her life. You know Khloe is so excited she might not be "the fat one" next season.

Which producer on Keeping Up With the Kuntashians suggested this storyline? Sure, I’ll tune in for Kourtney's mood swings and cravings for pickles and ice cream attention, but you can’t write a baby off a reality show! She better have some Mary-Kate/Ashley talent crawl out of her Virginia Slim if she doesn't want late night re-shoots compliments of her dumb kid screwing up his lines.

This time cry like you’re not really a millionaire. C'mon, just think about that time your mom's nude photo almost leaked before her Maxim spread came out. That's sad, right?

The biggest problem I have with this story is that Kourtney admits that her fetus is an accident – like it’s no big deal she forgot to take her pill. Like she forgot to set her DVR. (Except she probably never forgets to do that.) If you can’t remember to take a pill once a day to prevent another living human from feasting on your insides, you’re going to be one hell of a responsible mother.

Kourtney finally released the identity of the father.

Drum roll, please....






It’s Shorty! The homeless guy the sisters took care of until he didn’t go with their outfits anymore. Congrats to the new couple.