Monday, July 27, 2009

Millionaire Snatchmaker


I never liked this Millionaire Matchmaker bitch. In fact, I hate just about anyone who thinks they have a knack for setting people up. Matchmakers are always annoying out of shape women who pretend they’re happy when their friends hook up, but then complain that they’re a “third wheel” when it happens.

Grow up, matchmakers. We’re not living in Fiddler on The Roof. If you can’t find perspective mates in our internet-obsessed society, you don’t deserve to be mating.

Back to why I don’t like Patti Stanger. Reason #1: She told women trying to get with old, rich dudes to never wear their hair curly because it’s not attractive. You know what else is not attractive? Knee-tits with sunspots.

Reason #2 I discovered over at (gag me) Perez. This long-faced fake lipped judgmental piece of Jersey trash is finally engaged, after 6 years of dating some real estate douche who she met through a matchmaker. She had this advice to share with the world.

"I have a rule, if you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year," says Patti, regarding her wedding ring.

Great advice, since marriage is the kind of thing we should be rushing. I’d imagine there’s nothing more enticing to a man than charging him more for your pussy if he doesn’t marry you immediately.

If you’re so good at getting people to fall in love, why did it take 6 years for your boyfriend to ask for your gold-digging hand in marriage? When questioned about this, Patti claimed it’s because she’s “kinda fat and doesn’t like giving blow jobs” “too focused on her career.”


Sure, Patti. Dude woulda totally put a ring on it if you weren’t so focused. Being driven to succeed is such a turn off for real estate moguls. Maybe it was your straight hair.

1 comment:

  1. Six years must be the intersection of "common law marriage makes dumping you as costly as divorce" boulevard and "shutting you up about it makes the expense of a wedding worthwhile" avenue.

    So, you're saying the only match you'd make is her boobs and a pair of knees, then -- I take it.