Excuse me, ma'am, is your refrigerator running?

No, no it's not. And thanks for rubbing it in.

My refrigerator broke last Sunday. That’s the second refrigerator to break on me in three months. Yes, I’ve checked the motor coil thermo compressor circuit valve or whatever you were going to tell me to do. It’s broke.

My landlord looks like Latoya Jackson and is a bitch. Made me wait a god damn week for the Mr. Fix It guy who I’m almost positive she’s screwing to “take a look at it.” He comes over tomorrow. If he fixes my fridge, I can live my life like I’m not in a third world country. If he doesn’t, I have to purchase my third refrigerator this year. This time I’m getting the FridgeFax.

There’s nothing more depressing than putting your hopeful hand into a lukewarm refrigerator. Sweaty Diet Coke cans and questionable condiments staring at you. I hate wasting food so much I tried to tell myself Miracle Whip was vinegar-based. But instead of being angry that I had to lose an entire trip of Costco food to the refrigerator Gods, I thought perhaps I should be thankful for what my refrigerator is good for.



Top 5 Uses For My Refrigerator

5. Paper Weight

There is a fan in my kitchen, and this fridge has no problem holding down items like paper towels or misplaced cat treats when it's windy. It will, however, crush the fuck out of a cheezit.

4. Sock Drawer

I may as well use those empty crisper drawers for something.

3. Hot Yoga Studio

It’s about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of my apartment. Not saying I could roast marshmallows over it or anything, but I could possibly rent the space out for some down dog action.

2. Magnet Holder

Shockingly, no matter what temperature my re-heaterator reaches, those magnets do not let go.

1. Storage for Murdered Landlord’s Body

Listen, I know it’s not as effective as keeping her body on ice, but I’m certain I could hide her from the authorities until one of the neighbors had a plumbing issue for her to avoid next week.